‘A proctological exam of the highest order’: Trump investigations really may be different this time

‘A proctological exam of the highest order’: Trump investigations really may be different this time

If you’re like me, you were continually frustrated by Donald Trump’s baffling ability to avoid real consequences for his serial perfidy over the past four (erm, 74) years, and you responded to this outrage by curling up into the fetal position, crawling into a giant bag of Kirkland Signature Rice Crackers, and treating it like some sort of artificial space placenta. If you’re not like me, you still probably hated all that unpunished lawbreaking. 

But now that the former guy is, well, former, it’s time for him to pay the piper. But you’ll forgive me if my cynicism over the rich and powerful continually facing less severe scrutiny than a poor Black kid caught with half a joint has gotten the better of me. After all, Trump conditioned us for years to believe justice was out to lunch.

But now, with the help of the indefatigable David Fahrenthold, et al., I’m sensing at least a glimmer of hope.

In a wide-ranging Washington Post story on Donald Trump’s post-POTUS legal peril, the authors, led by veteran Trump gadfly Fahrenthold, included a few passages that really jumped out at me.

Now, it goes without saying that Trump’s legal exposure has broadened considerably. Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance and New York Attorney General Letitia James are looking into his finances and business dealings. Meanwhile, Georgia is investigating his attempts to overturn the state’s election results, and Washington, D.C. Attorney General Karl Racine is probing Trump’s seemingly seditious behavior on the day of the Capitol riot. 

And the Post story offers at least one indication that things may actually be different this time around.

Until recently, “at his level, there was no such thing as being in ‘legal trouble,’ in the way that ordinary people think about it,” said Michael D’Antonio, who wrote a 2015 biography of Trump. He said Trump usually had something he could hold over the head of his opponents: withholding donations, bad press or a messy countersuit.

Today, D’Antonio said, in the urban and liberal jurisdictions where Trump is facing the most peril, “nobody needs him now.”

“What does he have to offer anybody? And in fact there’s every incentive to crush him,” D’Antonio said.

Ooh, I like the sound of that. Especially the word “crush.” And the way it’s juxtaposed so tantalizingly with the pronoun “him.”

But that’s not all! What say you, Michael Cohen, former Trump fixer and confidant?

Cohen has spoken with Vance’s investigators seven times — with an eighth planned on Friday, according to a person familiar with the investigation. Searching for a more urgent metaphor, he called Vance’s inquiry “a proctological exam of the highest order.” Cohen has his own pending lawsuit against Trump, alleging that Trump owes him $3 million for legal bills.

Cohen also told the Post that “the level of review is unprecedented in Trump’s corporate history.”

Well, he should know, shouldn’t he?

Trump is entering uncharted territory, sort of like Fabio just before getting hit in the face by a goose on a roller coaster. And if you think that metaphor is outlandish and paints an unrealistic picture of Trump’s true legal peril, well, fuck you, because that actually happened!

And you know the old saying: “If Fabio can murder a goose with his face on a theme park ride, anything can happen.” Does that mean Trump really will get his comeuppance? That remains to be seen, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like justice might actually be served.

”This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing via TwitterSay “ba-bye” to the former guy. The long-anticipated EPILOGUE to Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is now available for FREE. Download your copy here! And don’t forget to check out the rest of AJP’s oeuvre here.

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