Whenever I think about former Republican Rep. Devin Nunes, I can’t help but picture him living in a little wren’s nest inside Donald Trump’s neck wattle, occasionally poking his head out to catch cascading donut sprinkles on his lolling lemur tongue as he fecklessly plots his enemies’ downfall from the safety of his Lilliputian villain’s lair.
It’s no big revelation that Nunes—whom Trump tapped to run his latest business venture because he was the only thin-skinned dairy farmer left in his Rolodex—loves to sue both people and make-believe ungulates. Similarly, it’s no surprise when he loses the suits. Though it is effing hilarious.
Case in point: Another of Nunes’ goofball lawsuits has been unceremoniously slapped down—this time by a majority of Trump-appointed judges. The 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Manhattan ruled on Thursday that Nunes “failed to seek a correction fast enough” in his $435 million (!) defamation suit against CNN, according to a Reuters report. The report also noted that Nunes was unable to show he deserved “special” economic damages. As a result, his suit was dismissed with prejudice.
Nunes sued over a Nov. 22, 2019 article that said Lev Parnas, a then-indicted associate of former Trump lawyer Rudolph Giuliani, was willing to testify before Congress that Nunes met in 2018 with a former Ukrainian prosecutor to discuss “digging up dirt” on [Joe] Biden, a Democrat and now U.S. president.
The former Republican congressman also objected to a broadcast of CNN’s “Cuomo Prime Time,” where the reporter and host Chris Cuomo discussed his alleged role in “looking for dirt” on Biden and his son Hunter.Nunes denied the accusations, said his reputation was damaged, and branded CNN “the mother of fake news.”
This 2-1 ruling comes on the heels of an April 1 federal appeals court decision upholding the dismissal of Nunes’ $250 million defamation suit against The Washington Post. And we’re already familiar with his rapidly accumulating losses against pretend Twitter cows.
But don’t laugh. Somewhere in a stark white room at the edge of eternity, a team of chimps banging on typewriters is almost certainly putting the finishing touches on a Nunes lawsuit against you. Because you get a lawsuit, and you get a lawsuit, and you and you and you! Everybody gets a lawsuit!
Presumably, all you have to do is say Trump’s floundering Truth Social platform, which Nunes is spearheading, is marginally less interesting than trying to chart the precise momentum, velocity, and trajectory of the Ping-Pong ball in Devin’s head.
Eventually, Nunes will run out of people to sue and be forced to focus on the business he’s presumably running. And after that fails, he can sue his mother for repeatedly dropping him on his head before his skull had fully fused. (Note to Devin: I don’t really think your mom dropped you on your head as a baby, so please don’t sue me. It would make me sick to my four-chambered stomach. Truly.)
It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
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