Eric Swalwell teaches Lauren Boebert that people who live in MAGA houses shouldn’t throw stones

Eric Swalwell teaches Lauren Boebert that people who live in MAGA houses shouldn’t throw stones

Lauren Boebert’s natural milieu is a dive bar, so it’s kind of hard to decipher her dreck without at least 12 shots of Jägermeister and a Busch Light or three prepping my brain for her authentic frontier gibberish.

Sadly, these days I drink only occasionally—in non-Wisconsin volumes—and so the Rosetta Stone I need to decode this cacophony of crackpottery eludes me. Perhaps an injection of Lestoil straight into my amygdala would make this make sense. Or at least appear to. It’s also possible my febrile mind concocted Boebert out of thin air. And though that would prove I suffer from some deep, chronic, and perhaps fatal pathology, I’m actually kind of rooting for that. Because Jesus Goat Cheese-Gobblin’ Christ, this shit is bonkers.

Rep. @laurenboebert: “My colleague & three-month presidential candidate from Calif. [@ericswalwell], who’s on the Intelligence Committee, slept with Fang Fang, a Chinese spy. Let me say that again. A member of Congress who receives classified briefings was sleeping w/ the enemy.” pic.twitter.com/DvlQv2KjPF

— Tom Elliott (@tomselliott) November 17, 2021

BOEBERT: “Democrat policies are so pathetic and have done so poorly that the left has nothing else to do but troll the internet looking for ways to get offended, and then try to target members and strip them of their committees. This is a dumb waste of the House’s time. But since the speaker has designated the floor to discuss members’ inappropriate action, shall we? The jihad squad member from Minnesota has paid her husband—and not her brother-husband, the other one—over a million dollars in campaign funds. This member is allowed on the Foreign Affairs Committee while praising terrorists. A Democrat chairwoman incited further violence in the streets outside of a courthouse. And then the cherry on top. My colleague, and three-month presidential candidate from California, who is on the Intelligence Committee, slept with Fang Fang, a Chinese spy. Let me say that again. A member of Congress who receives classified briefings was sleeping with the enemy. This is unacceptable and this would never see …”

My esteemed Daily Kos colleague Dartagnan has already dispensed with the nonsense about Ilhan Omar (the “jihad squad member from Minnesota”) here, but there’s still plenty of mind detritus to sift through. Namely, the bit about Fang Fang. 

Here’s how The Washington Post characterized Rep. Eric Swalwell’s relationship, such as it was, with alleged Chinese spy Christine Fang, aka Fang Fang. (Swalwell is the “three-month presidential candidate from California” Boebert refers to in her rant.)

Axios reports that U.S. officials don’t think Fang ever got classified information as she cozied up to politicians, including from Swalwell. He is not accused of any wrongdoing. After U.S. intelligence officials briefed him in 2015 on their concerns about Fang, he cut off ties with her. Swalwell said in a statement to Axios this week that he provided information to the FBI about her and that he hasn’t interacted with her in six years. Fang has left the country.

So that’s not great, but it doesn’t appear as if Swalwell did anything wrong. He certainly didn’t tweet about Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s whereabouts during the violent siege of the Capitol on Jan. 6, for instance. 

The Speaker has been removed from the chambers.

— Lauren Boebert (@laurenboebert) January 6, 2021

And, naturally, Rep. Swalwell took Boebert’s bilious eruptions as a teaching moment of sorts.

Weird. If I had done anything wrong the FBI would have raided my house. They didn’t (and went as far to issue a statement saying I did nothing wrong). BUT yesterday they did raid the home of @laurenboebert’s campaign manager. They’re always projecting. https://t.co/FLCkPghbsr

— Rep. Eric Swalwell (@RepSwalwell) November 17, 2021

For the nontweeters:

Weird. If I had done anything wrong the FBI would have raided my house. They didn’t (and went as far to issue a statement saying I did nothing wrong). BUT yesterday they did raid the home of @laurenboebert’s campaign manager. They’re always projecting.

Oh, snap. Yes, that’s true. Boebert’s former campaign manager, Sherronna Bishop, saw her home raided by the FBI yesterday as part of a probe into an alleged security breach in Mesa County, Colorado’s voting system. (Bishop was whining about it last night on Pillow Man Mike Lindell’s sprawling glitch of a website.) Reported by Salon:

Mesa County Clerk Tina Peters, a Republican, was accused by state officials in August of helping to leak voting system passwords to a right-wing blog. Peters later appeared at MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell’s conspiracy-laden “cyber-symposium,” where the pillow magnate promised but failed to produce evidence of election-rigging. Peters later briefly went into hiding with Lindell’s help amid FBI scrutiny.

On Tuesday morning, the FBI and local prosecutors raided Peters’ home. […]

The FBI also raided a home in Garfield County, Rubinstein confirmed. Lindell said one of the homes raided belongs to Sherronna Bishop, a Garfield County resident who served as Rep. Lauren Boebert’s, R-Colo., campaign manager. Bishop has been one of Peters’ most prominent allies in stoking unfounded allegations of voting machine problems in the election and hinted at a rally last month that she was privy to unreleased data from Mesa County and Lindell’s “cybersecurity team.”

Hmm. What kind of sketchy characters is Boebert associating with? Well, her husband, for one.

Where do Americans go to claim asylum from seeing your husband’s willy? pic.twitter.com/6zgI2Oo6cr

— CuzMin ♀️🌎♀️ (@MinnieMc_) February 23, 2021

I always thought it was pretty easy not to expose yourself to underage girls in a bowling alley, but it’s apparently a challenge for Boebert’s husband, Jayson, who did just that in 2004. (To be fair, the girl Jayson was dating—i.e., Boebert—was also underage at the time. She was 17; he was 24.)

Finally, “Democrat policies are so pathetic and have done so poorly …”? Joe Biden created more jobs in nine months (5.6 million) than Donald Trump created in his entire term (i.e., less than zero). 

Then again, Boebert isn’t talking to people with intelligence or common sense. She’s talking to people who think Donald Trump is going to alight from a cloud any day, retake the White House, and resume fucking up the country. 

It won’t happen, but then Boebert isn’t exactly interested in making a cogent point. Nor can she.

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.

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