Masturbation is still a big no-no, according to the Catholic Church. The catechism calls it “an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.” But it’s only a mortal sin if you’re doing it right. For those of you who weren’t raised Catholic, you should know you should know that dying in a state of mortal sin is a pretty big deal.
According to the great doctors of the Catholic Church, including St. Augustine of Hippo and St. Thomas Aquinas, if you happen to go udders up in such a state you’re—and I believe this is a direct quote, translated from the original Latin—“fucked sideways.”
Similarly, the Catholic Church deems homosexual acts as “intrinsically disordered.” And while I haven’t participated in homosexual acts, I can’t imagine why they’d be any less tidy than heterosexual acts. It’s not like I’ve ever arranged my Hummel figurines in neat, OCD-friendly rows while having sex. And, yes, I know that’s oversharing. I mean, why should you care about my Hummels?
All of this is to say that if you’re a prominent U.S. Catholic who’s sitting in judgment over other U.S. Catholics, it might be a good idea to lock down your Grindr account.
The top administrator of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops resigned after a Catholic media site told the conference it had access to cellphone data that appeared to show he was a regular user of Grindr, the queer dating app, and frequented gay bars. […]
Monsignor Jeffrey Burrill has since last fall been the general secretary of the USCCB, a position that coordinates all administrative work and planning for the conference, which is the country’s network for Catholic bishops. As a priest, he takes a vow of celibacy. Catholic teaching opposes sexual activity outside heterosexual marriage.
If the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops rings a bell, that’s probably because of this:
The Roman Catholic bishops of the United States, flouting a warning from the Vatican, have overwhelmingly voted to draft guidance on the sacrament of the Eucharist, advancing a push by conservative bishops to deny President Biden communion because of his support of abortion rights.
The decision, made public on Friday afternoon, is aimed at the nation’s second Catholic president, perhaps the most religiously observant commander in chief since Jimmy Carter, and exposes bitter divisions in American Catholicism. It capped three days of contentious debate at a virtual June meeting of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. The measure was approved by a vote of 73 percent in favor and 24 percent opposed.
In fact, none other than Msgr. Burrill himself announced the vote tally calling for the pooh-poohing of our president.
More from The Post:
The resignation stemmed from reporting in the Pillar, an online newsletter that reports on the Catholic Church. Tuesday afternoon, after Burrill’s resignation became public, the Pillar reported that it had obtained information based on the data Grindr collects from its users, and hired an independent firm to authenticate it.
According to The Pillar, “A mobile device correlated to Burrill emitted app data signals from the location-based hookup app Grindr on a near-daily basis during parts of 2018, 2019, and 2020—at both his USCCB office and his USCCB-owned residence, as well as during USCCB meetings and events in other cities. … The data obtained and analyzed by The Pillar conveys mobile app date signals during two 26-week periods, the first in 2018 and the second in 2019 and 2020. The data was obtained from a data vendor and authenticated by an independent data consulting firm contracted by The Pillar.”
Okay, so I’ve had a bit of a bone to pick with the Roman Catholic Church ever since they assigned an abusive priest to our parish when I was in grade school. He’d offended before arriving at our parish, so I can only assume they did it on purpose. This all came out years after the fact, of course.
Also, if all masturbators are in a state of mortal sin, I imagine I should have several Costco-sized pallets full of Jergens Lotion FedEx’d to hell before I shuffle off this mortal coil. I assume there’ll be lots of takers, and my forward-thinking will surely make me the Duke of Hades. And I bet I’ll be able to gouge Burrill at the underworld bookstore after Satan disables all his apps, leaving him with naught but dog-eared copies of 1950s men’s fitness magazines.
In the meantime, I’ll be supping on sweet, sweet schadenfreude as this story unfolds. Stay tuned.
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