As with all writing, the secret to crafting an effective standup routine is to write what you know. Sadly, Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert doesn’t know much about anything, so she’s forced to hope that asking the infinitely compassionate, eternally beneficent God of the universe to kill the president is somehow funny.
Boebert is one of those Christians who ignores pretty much everything Jesus actually said, with the notable exception of “kill ‘em all and let Dad sort ‘em out.” (I think that’s in Mark, right after JC embarks on yet another senseless fig tree-withering rampage.)
But hey, she loves Jesus and she loves guns, and so in her wee simulacrum of a mind, they’re two great tastes that taste great together.
BOEBERT: “On Twitter, a lot of the little Twitter trolls, they like to say, ‘Oh, Jesus didn’t need an AR-15. How many AR-15s do you think Jesus would have had?’ Well, he didn’t have enough to keep his government from killing him.”
Okay, where to start? First of all, according to long-established Christian doctrine, Jesus is the second person of the holy trinity. Which means he’s God. Which means he’s all-powerful. Which means he can do anything Aquaman can do—and more. If he’d really wanted to, he could have withered figs until not a single unwithered Roman fig could be found anywhere in the Levant.
And even if Jesus was feeling really low-energy—like if he’d just given the Sermon on the Mount to a listless crowd whom he’d plaintively begged to “please clap”—he could have summoned hosts of angels do the heavy lifting for him:
“Don’t you realize that I could ask my Father for thousands of angels to protect us, and he would send them instantly?”
And then there’s the whole bit about Jesus’ death and resurrection being the linchpin of Christian theology. If Jesus had died on the toilet like Elvis, yeah, he may have still been a legend, but he wouldn’t have been a savior. No one in the history of the world has ever collapsed on the toilet for our sins. Though, come to think of it, that would have made The Passion of the Christ a much better movie.
But, whatever. As you may have already observed, Boebert is not exactly a deep thinker.
And now, just because … this:
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
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