How the hell did Republican Louie Gohmert of Texas ever become a member of the House of Representatives? Did he collect the most Froot Loops box tops in his district? Did our reptilian alien overlords take a sudden liking to him halfway through eating his brain? Did he run against a seagull crapping in a bag of Ruffles?
I really want to know, because something here just isn’t right. God forbid he ever need a brain transplant, because krill don’t live very long outside of water. I’d suggest he get a vasectomy to protect us from the creeping contagion of his corn nuts, but his doctor would almost certainly give him one of those acrylic head cones to keep him from licking his stitches, and you simply can’t brook such lurid spectacles on the House floor.
So instead you get this:
GOHMERT: “We can’t produce synthetic fibers, so much of the carpets and rugs we have—synthetic. The toothbrush, you wouldn’t have the modern-day toothbrush, and I realize that, yes, there are people that have used bark off certain trees to brush their teeth. I get that, but I kind of like having a modern-day toothbrush myself. You wouldn’t have that without fossil fuel, particularly natural gas.”
Okay, then. I have questions.
- Who the fuck is brushing their teeth with bark?
- Assuming this is actually happening somewhere in the real world, doesn’t that argue for the family-friendly social safety net provisions in President Biden’s Build Back Better plan? Hey, Biden might even want to lead with that during his next speech in support of the BBB. “Americans brushing their teeth with trees? Outrageous! Pass this bill!”
Oh, but Mr. Science wasn’t done. Oh, no. Not by a long shot:
GOHMERT: “The Trump years, we have been producing 1.3% less carbon dioxide. And we can debate about what that does to the environment, whether it makes the temperature warmer. I’ve read where experts have said if you’ve got a choice between the temperature getting slightly warmer or slightly colder, you want warmer because if it’s getting slightly colder that means there’s less time for crops to grow. If it’s slightly warmer, not too much warmer, then you got more time for crops to grow, you’ve got more food, and you have fewer people starving.”
He’s read that, huh? Where? The highly respected New England Journal of Things Pulled From Louie Gohmert’s Ass at 3 AM on a Tuesday in the Waco ER?
If you want to convince someone to support measures to combat climate change—well, yes, you can tell them about melting icecaps and emaciated polar bears and whatnot, but perhaps the best argument in favor of urgent action is that Louie Gohmert is against it.
Clearly, Republicans are not sending their best people, now are they?
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