It’s more than a little surreal how much deference Republicans show toward Cheesus Christ Gropey Drawers. It’s likely we’ll never see a worse president in the history of our republic, unless the GOP thaws out Hitler’s head (come on, you know they have it stored in a Pinkberry freezer somewhere) and staples it to a racist Roomba in a desperate bid to derail Ted Cruz’s 2028 presidential primary campaign.
It seems the more repugnant Trump gets—and, sadly, there’s always more runway—the more Republicans want to be associated with the guy. If stealing U.S. nuclear secrets and burying his ex-wife on his golf course for the tax benefits aren’t enough to give these weasels pause, what exactly will? Does he have to exhume Nancy Reagan’s corpse and wear it like a beaver stole at the next Met Gala? Seriously, what would it take? I really want to know.
But while seeing these quislings fall all over each other to please Dear Leader is equal parts amusing and horrifying, watching them fight like coked-up court jesters for King Gorged’s favor is all kinds of hilarious.
Of course, if you’re running against Matt Gaetz in a GOP House primary, there are any number of legitimate issues you can bring up. I’m not sure “he’s insufficiently loyal to Trump” is one of them. In fact, the first thing you’ll wonder after watching this ad is whether Gaetz poked his head out of Trump’s sphincter long enough to see all 30 seconds of it:
NARRATOR: “When Donald Trump really endorses someone, he goes big. You’ve seen none of that for Lyin’ Matt Gaetz. What does Trump know? Is Gaetz the informant? Gaetz hired Jeffrey Epstein’s attorney. Another Epstein attorney approved the raid on Trump’s house. Remember, Gaetz pressured Trump to give him a pardon, but Trump said ‘no.’ Matt Gaetz puts himself first, ahead of Trump and ahead of you. Vote for a leader who will put America first. Vote for Marine Mark Lombardo.”
Good God, that’s some irresponsible—and side-splittingly funny—speculation. Yo, Mark. If you’re gonna fuck Matt like this, at least buy him dinner and Venmo him $900 first.
Gaetz hired one of Epstein’s attorneys, and a completely different (and former, mind you) Epstein attorney approved the Mar-a-Lago raid? You do realize there are about 10,000 photos of Donald Trump partying with Epstein, right? But let’s play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon’s Lawyer. That’s convincing.
And is Gaetz the informant? Sure, let’s just say that. Why not? Truth is for losers anyway. After all, he’s “just asking questions.” Totally legit.
Of course, Gaetz refused to let this calumny go unanswered. He was sure to remind everyone he’s fully endorsed by the dude who criminally mishandles (allegedly!) top secret nuclear documents. According to Insider:
A spokesman for the Gaetz campaign said in a statement to Insider on Wednesday that Gaetz is in fact “endorsed by President Trump.”
“President Trump’s son is campaigning for Congressman Gaetz in Pensacola on Monday. President Trump’s 2020 finance chair just released a video endorsing Gaetz,” the spokesman said. “Mark Lombardo is busy trying to please Resistance Liberals with plays from the Lincoln Project playbook. Congressman Gaetz is fighting for Florida and the Trump agenda.”
Gaetz’s campaign also made a new ad showing Trump praising Gaetz and saying that the congressman “has an endorsement from me, 100% endorsement.”
The Florida primary is just days away. In the meantime, it will be fun to watch these two purple-nurple each other into heaps of humiliated protoplasm.
Any bets on who’ll be the first to do this?
My money’s on Gross Gaetz, but Lombardo may prove himself worthy of Trump’s love after all.
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
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