Here come the Oompa Loompas to roll another purpling anti-vaxxer carcass down to the boneyard. By now, the Oompa Loompas are tired of singing their cautionary tunes—they obviously aren’t helping. So they’re just sallow-faced, hollow-eyed funeral home gofers now. Sad!
Okay, so this isn’t your run-of-the-mill, daisy-pushing anti-vaxxer. This guy was a real piece of work. (More on that in a bit.) William Hartmann, a Republican on the Wayne County, Michigan, Board of Canvassers, has succumbed to his own stupidity. But for one glorious season he totes pwned the libs … before COVID-19 pwned him.
The Michigan GOP received word of Hartmann’s death Tuesday, said Gustavo Portela, communications director for the party. Prominent Michigan Republicans posted memories of Hartmann and had been asking for prayers for him in recent days.
“Please pray for Wayne County Canvasser Bill Hartman(n),” former state Sen. Patrick Colbeck, a Republican from Canton, posted on Facebook on Nov. 13. “He is in ICU with COVID.”
Wait, the prayers didn’t work? What about the thoughts? Don’t tell me the thoughts were useless, too! I have to believe if Michigan Republicans had prayed more urgently, Hartmann would have pulled through. Isn’t it sad when Republicans can’t even effectively implement the one policy prescription they continually float as a solution for everything from school shootings to deadly pandemics?
Hartmann had been critical of the COVID-19 vaccine in multiple posts on Facebook. In August, he accused Democrats of needing mask and vaccine “panic” to “screw up” elections.
Yup, that’s what Democrats are up to, all right. Did it work, Bill? Oh, never mind. You’re in no position to answer. Could you send word back from heaven? I want to know if Jesus is really as interested in capital gains tax cuts as Ted Cruz is.
Of course, the schadenfreudian coda to this is that Hartmann, in his position as a canvasser, initially refused to certify the results of Wayne County’s 2020 election—presumably because Joe Biden won the state and Wayne County is home to hundreds of thousands of Black voters. He eventually relented in the face of fierce criticism, but not before freaking out every last human who cares whether the most powerful country on the planet can remain a stable liberal democracy.
Oh, and this Facebook post didn’t age well … at all:
HARTMANN: I was at the Doctor’s the other day, yes again, and we were talking about the CoronaVirus. I asked if I should be concerned. He said it’s just a virus like any other virus, nothing to be concerned about. So why all the hullabaloo in the media about it. He thinks it’s all about the money. Follow the money. Lots of corporations and people are making a ton of money off this thing.Like always wash your hands if you go out. Just be health conscious.
Thanks for the advice, Dr. Hartmann. Yeah, I am following the money, and I realize that I’ve gotten a far better return on investment from my free COVID-19 shots than I would from scarfing horse paste or taking bleach enemas. But that’s just me. You do you. Or, rather, you did you.
RIP, and cheers.
It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
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