Crack reporter Mike Lindell has gotten to the bottom of yet another election conspiracy, folks, and it’s eerily similar to the old conspiracy! Georgia—which, not for nothing, recounted every single 2020 presidential paper ballot by hand—has apparently cheated Lindell’s messiah, Donald Trump, once again—this time by illegally handing some of his endorsees an embarrassing (to Trump, anyway) loss.
Never mind that Herschel Walker—who is either unable to tie his shoes at all or was in the top one percentile of shoe-tiers at the University of Georgia; I forget which—won his primary for U.S. Senate, though the GOP establishment would have likely preferred a reasonably well mannered potato fungus take that slot.
But hey, as we all well know by now, the only legitimate elections are the ones where Pillow Man likes the results.
On Saturday, Lindell was spotted outside the Cheyenne, Wyoming, stop of Donald Trump’s Cross-Country Liz Cheney Vendetta Tour, complaining about yet another round of stolen elections.
Transcript, with non-words, name mispronunciations, and all!
REPORTER: “You know, something that was unpleasant to me about—the Georgia election just happened, and I don’t know how my fellow Georgians were able to consciously reelect Brad Raffensperger …”
LINDELL: “They didn’t. It was stoled. It was stoled. There were algorithms used in Georgia, but we caught ‘em. We were watching. Everybody was watching this time.”
LINDELL: “Again. Against Raffsenberger, was it Jody …”
REPORTER: “Hice …”
LINDELL: “Hice. The algorithm went through Georgia in I don’t know how many counties out of 159, I think it’s like 100 and some. The same percentage of votes, like 17%. … All they did in Georgia [pantomimes typing], just dialed up. It’s called a selection, not an election. We don’t have elections anymore, we have selections. Hence the name of the movie, Selection Code. SelectionCode.com. Everything in Georgia was stoled, and they did that for two reasons. One is they wanted to push it in our real president’s face and go, ‘Oh, your endorsements don’t mean anything.’ You know what, you made it so obvious. Do you think crooked Brian Kemp got 73% or whatever? Impossible. Brad Raffsenberger is the biggest criminal in the country. … Brad gets 51%? No he didn’t. He stole that election.”
In case any of you are brainstorming eternal punishments for me so you can earn extra brownie points from Satan, you might want to put “transcribe everything Mike Lindell says while Donald Trump looks over your shoulder eating Crunch ‘n Munch” on the list. Because I would not care for that in the least.
Not only has Lindell still not learned how to pronounce the name of his number one nemesis, Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger (whom Lindell regularly accuses of conspiring to hand Trump an illegitimate loss in Georgia), he also appears unwilling to accept Gov. Brian Kemp’s landslide victory over Trump’s handpicked toady, former Sen. David Perdue—even though pre-election polling showed Kemp easily defeating his opponent. And, of course, as everyone knows, if you’re going to steal an election, make sure you win by more than 50 percentage points so no one has any cause to get suspicious.
Sorting out Pillow Man’s election gibberish is a bit like being tasked with discovering the Higgs boson—but being told you can only look for it in specially marked boxes of Boo Berry. For someone who constantly complains about vote-rigging, Lindell has somehow rigged his head to believe that no one he doesn’t like could ever win an election again.
Maybe one day he’ll kick this new addiction and go back to, I don’t know, selling crappy pillows? Just a thought.
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
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