Ted Cruz and I share exactly two things in common. We both convert oxygen to carbon dioxide and we both love The Princess Bride. I’m not happy about it, and more than once it’s forced me to question my life choices. If I share that with Cruz, what else might we have in common? Did my dad help kill JFK, too? I shudder to think.
Normally, a guy like Cruz would spend his waking hours covered in quicklime and the silt from shallow graves, but instead he ended up in the Senate, where he can do far more damage than any workaday serial killer ever could. (For the record, I’ve never believed Cruz is the Zodiac Killer. He’s more subtle than that—like a flea on a bubonic rat’s ass or something.)
Anyway, because there’s still some justice in the world, The Princess Bride cast has taken note of Cruz’s intractable awfulness and wishes he’d just shut up about the comedy classic already.
On Wednesday, Cary Elwes, the actor who played young Westley, got into it with him.
“Rabid contempt.” That’s a good one. I might also add “searing hatred” and “unbridled animus.” Feel free to add your own ideas in the comments.
Cruz responded, as he is wont to do. For some reason, he thinks continually going out in public looking like a drunk homunculus doesn’t expose him to nearly enough ridicule.
Uh-oh, Ted. You fell victim to one of the classic blunders—the most famous of which is “never get involved in a land war in Asia.” But only slightly less well known is this: “Never go in against a Hollywood actor when your reputation is on the line!”
Whoops! Of course, I have no idea if Cruz or one of his lackeys really forged his name on that photo. Maybe Elwes simply forgot he wrote it. But seriously, if you’d signed a photo of yourself and addressed it to Ted Fucking Cruz, you’d remember, wouldn’t you? I mean, it would be like signing Trump’s left moob with a Sharpie. Some things you simply can’t delete from your brain, no matter how hard you try.
So there you have it. The one thing Donald Trump was honest about during his woeful reign of error was that Ted Cruz is a fucking liar. And here’s more evidence. As if you really needed it.
”This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — BETTE MIDLER on author ALDOUS J. PENNYFARTHING, via Twitter. Need a thorough Trump cleanse? Thanks to Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, Dear F*cking Lunatic, Dear Pr*sident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron, you can purge the Trump years from your soul sans the existential dread. Only laughs from here on out!
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