After the news broke that the classified documents at Mar-a-Lago the FBI obtained a search warrant to hunt for pertained to classified nuclear secrets, it took about zero point zero seconds for the Russian government and its media mouthpieces to decide that they really, really would love it if Donald trump came to Moscow. You know, for humanitarian reasons or whatever.
The Daily Beast brings us this one. As a Russian military expert waxed on about his concern that the American “campaign of fomenting hatred” against Trump could lead to his “political assassination” on one of the state’s propaganda shows, host and Russian State Duma member Evgeny Popov piped up with one proposed solution:
“We should ask [Russia’s] Federal Security Service to start protecting our Donald.”
Whether Popov’s plan would involve sending Russian security agents to Florida to “protect” Donald or the scenario would be one in which Donald is spirited away to a Moscow apartment is not clear, and it won’t do you much good to ponder it because this is Russian state television, where Duma members come up with wacky plans like this on a daily basis. The first possibility would have Russian special agents volunteering to protect Mar-a-Lago, the place where Donald Trump was keeping state nuclear secrets as personal mementos and the place that FBI agents still can’t be 100% sure they’ve cleared those nuclear documents out of.
The second possibility would have Donald Trump fleeing to Moscow for political asylum, which Russian strongman Vladimir Putin would probably find even more appealing now that he knows Donald might bring along extra-special thank you presents. It’s also the plan that would get the most American support. Yeah, by all means—set Donald Trump up with his very own Moscow residence. He likes tall buildings, and he loves balconies.
There was another Popov suggestion reported by The Daily Beast that was intriguing. The Russian host claimed to be very put out by the large numbers of homeless children in America. Russia can “take” those children, he proposed, raising them “normally, without gays and transgenders, in normal, classic culture.”
Yeah, I’ll bet. I imagine the Russian state, struggling to maintain a war effort due to their own continued catastrophic incompetence, would be particularly interested in caring for homeless American children from 17 to 17.9 years old. They’d probably get their own spiffy not-school uniforms and everything.
Way back in ye olden Mueller days, I would often point out that a man with his own private intercontinental-capable jet and a reliance on overseas money was actually a pretty big flight risk, president or no. It may be time to haul that observation out again. Why, all it took was the revelation that Donald Trump was hoarding classified nuclear secrets at his damn Florida for-profit club for Russian television hosts to take a keen new interest in procuring his, let’s say, “safety.” If he wants to bring along a bunch of near-conscription-age children that’d be a nice little bonus, but really—bringing along his Mar-a-Lago keepsakes would be enough.
In fact, it seems Donald has suddenly made himself the most valuable American in the world, for any nuclear or near-nuclear regime chafing at U.S. power. He’s probably quite pleased about that. Giddy, even.
The odds that Donald’s going to run his 2024 campaign from a location overseas just soared, in fact. Wouldn’t that be a bizarre thing to watch.
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