The former guy’s nutty attack on Karl Rove reminded me how grateful I am he’s no longer on Twitter

The former guy’s nutty attack on Karl Rove reminded me how grateful I am he’s no longer on Twitter

The tweets are gone, and they’re never coming back.

You probably already saw yesterday’s dispatch from the McRib-bespattered writing nook of our ex-pr*sident. (Is the McRib back yet? I can never keep track. They’re like meaty cicadas crawling out of the ground when you least expect it. Though if anyone can concoct a vegan McRib for me, I’ll consider including the recipe in one of my upcoming missives. Accept my challenge, you army of saucy flesh-nuzzlers!)

Okay, that went off the rails a lot more quickly than I anticipated.

Back to what I’m talking about. I won’t embed the rant here, but here’s a quick recap: “Karl Rove said something I didn’t like, so I whined for two pages and made up a bunch of weird shit about him.”

My takeaway? “FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME TAKE KARL ROVE’S SIDE!”

Even more risible than the letter’s contents, of course, is the gaudy “SAVE AMERICA” letterhead, the ocher abomination’s new, post-MAGA branding. Save it from what, exactly? $1,400 relief checks? Living wages? A sane, science-based pandemic strategy? A president who refuses to treat social media like it’s a piss pot he needs to empty out onto the heads of passersby from his second-floor balcony 14 times a day?

These “official” statements must be killing him. You know he wants to tweet this shit and more, but now he can’t. Twitter was custom-made for this dunce. He could blast his billowing skull methane out into the universe at a hearty clip, and he’d get instant gratification in the form of tons of retweets, comments, and atta-boys from his philistine horde.

These “statements” are more like D-grade school essays. By all accounts, Donald Trump hated school. How do I know that? His entire presidency was like a blood vendetta against anyone with an IQ over 80.

So when I saw his latest offering—so close on the heels of his feckless CPAC speech—I was grateful. Grateful that this oaf is no longer on Twitter, which for years acted as a virtual mind-meld between him and his benighted followers.

Even better than his loosening grip on his cult is the fact that he’s no longer mind-fucking me with his toxic little dingus. I no longer have to wake up wondering who got fired like a dog, which Yoo-hoo flavor is a cure-all for COVID, or which actor is more overrated, Meryl Streep or Robert De Niro. 

It’s over. Forever. It’s not a straitjacket, but it’s the next best thing. 

Not for nothing, this is the result:

Trump’s inauguration crowd today. @seanspicer pic.twitter.com/lcYEDeXVGi

— Cheri Jacobus (@CheriJacobus) March 5, 2021

March 4 came and went without a riotous mob re-storming the Capitol.

The MAGA mob no longer has an inciter-in-chief to look to in their time of need. I can rest my weary eyeballs.

Thanks, Twitter, for the restful naps. It took you long enough, but better late than never, I guess.

Oh, hi there! You like free stuff, right? The long-anticipated EPILOGUE to Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is now available for FREE. Download your copy at this link! And don’t forget to check out the rest of AJP’s oeuvre here. Sit back and enjoy the Trumplessness!

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