Trump’s a big-league loser who can’t get a win in court. Are the sharks finally closing in?

Trump’s a big-league loser who can’t get a win in court. Are the sharks finally closing in?

For someone who continually touts his winning bona fides, Donald Trump sure loses a lot. He lost his casinos, $1 billion in cash over a decade, the popular vote (twice), the 2020 election, the House, the Senate (thanks to his nonstop whining), two wives, most of his hair, and, on or about Jan. 6, his effing mind.

And as one of the most litigious presidents people in our nation’s history, he’s been pummeled into Flamin’ Hot Cheeto dust more times than any of us can remember.

Tuesday night, Trump was introduced to his alter ego Lumpy Loserman once again, as federal Judge Tanya Chutkan gave the House select committee investigating Jan. 6 the green light to access hundreds of pages of documents Trump had sought to protect. In her ruling, Chutkan stated, “His position that he may override the express will of the executive branch appears to be premised on the notion that his executive power exists in perpetuity. But Presidents are not kings, and Plaintiff is not President.”

No, he’s not president, is he? Why? Say it with me, now: Because he’s a yuge loooooooooser.

Indeed, Axios has a short rundown on some of the Big Failure’s largest recent losses:

A top watchdog found that 13 senior Trump officials, including former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, violated ethics law and helped create “a taxpayer-funded campaign apparatus within the upper echelons of the executive branch.”


A second grand jury has been empaneled in New York’s criminal investigation of the Trump Organization (NBC News).

An Atlanta district attorney is moving toward convening her own grand jury in an investigation of Trump’s attempts to overturn the election in Georgia (N.Y. Times).

And that’s just a recent list.

Remember when Trump lost 59 election lawsuits, all attempting to change the 2020 election results?

That was awesome.

Remember when Trump claimed he never settles cases and so would never, ever settle with the plaintiffs suing him over his fake university?

“I don’t settle cases,” Trump claimed during the March 2016 Republican presidential debate. “I don’t do it because that’s why I don’t get sued very often, because I don’t settle, unlike a lot of other people.”

Yeah, he settled—and lost $25 million in the process. And actually, he settles a lot.

Remember when Trump sued Bill Maher for breach of contract after Maher joked that he’d contribute $5 million to charity if Trump could prove his father wasn’t an orangutan? He withdrew that one. 

Then there was Trump’s high-profile lawsuit against author Timothy O’Brien, who dared to write that Trump was worth less than Trump liked to claim he was. That one was tossed, though not before Trump sat for an uncomfortable deposition that poked numerous holes in his giant Jenga tower of lies. 

And those are just the tip of a very large, very filthy iceberg.

I get as frustrated as anyone when Trump wriggles out of situations that would cut other people off at the knees. Trump’s superpower is his shamelessness, and it’s been a shield that’s seemingly protected him more than once. But his luck may not last forever: He managed to bluster his way out of trouble when he was president, but he holds no public office now, and this idea that he’s somehow bulletproof is not borne out by history. (A Republican-controlled Senate was never going to convict Trump in his two impeachments. The court system, on the other hand, is not quite so friendly to lawless con artists.)

Indeed, his post-presidential legal peril is significant. The Manhattan district attorney is still waiting in the wings after having successfully won the right to look at Trump’s tax records, which he protects like Jeffrey Dahmer guarding a basement freezer.

Meanwhile, Scotland is looking into his golf courses, and as mentioned above, Fulton County, Georgia, DA Fani Willis is investigating that ridiculous call to Secretary of (the Peach) State Brad Raffensberger, among other Trumpian attempts to subvert democracy. New York Attorney General Letitia James is also still on the case; and who knows what goodies the Jan. 6 committee will eventually dig up? Sure seems like things aren’t going his way so far.

As Trump continues to go through the legal wringer—and as we wait, and wait, and wait some more for the wheels of justice to grind him into grainy, bitter-tasting Tang powder—we can seek solace in the fact that Trump is a longtime loser who only pretends to win.

Sure, he’s a slippery one, but the nets are closing in—and judging by his latest losing streak, Trump’s luck may finally be running out.

Fingers crossed, folks.

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.

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