This weekend, if you’re milling about the kitchen or backyard as America celebrates its Independence Day and you find yourself feeling, well, a little put off because the Supreme Court has decided you no longer have bodily autonomy, I offer you the following concoction to take the edge off.
And if you don’t drink, congrats and I support you in your sobriety! This is for those of us who need this right now:
Disclaimer: Do not drink and drive.
Step 1: Drop what you’re doing.
Step 2: Gather ice, salt, and a clean glass, preferably a Collins glass, and if you don’t have a Collins glass, you uncultured swine, any glass will do. Wet the rim of the Collins glass/Solo cup. Dip the rim of the glass into the salt you have dumped generously onto a paper plate.
Step 3: Put the glass on a steady surface. Careful: You’ve already had three beers and you spilled a lot of that salt on the floor, good job.
Step 4: Pour the ice into the glass. Now walk back to the bar because you forgot to grab what you came here for because you were distracted by how you have fewer rights than your mother did.
Step 5: Pour tequila over the ice and fill that sucker up until your glass is half full. Let the irony wash over you.
Step 6: Splash ice-cold, very fizzy Coke on top. (If it ain’t fizzy, don’t bother. Just take a shot of tequila and go eat another hot dog.)
Step 7: Good! The Coke was cold and well-carbonated. Grab a lime—but before you cut it, press and roll it across a hard surface to get it nice and juicy.
Step 8. Pick up a knife. Do not choose violence on this day. Instead, choose to cut large wedges of citrus.
Step 9: Squeeze and wring lime vigorously into the drink until you think, “This can’t be right.” It is.
Step 10: Take your very cold beverage to a very shady spot outside and away from small children or men who start sentences with, “Well, actually….” Take a long sip and repeat the following aloud: “It’s going to be okay. We’re going to figure this out. I’ll be damned if we don’t figure this out.”
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