At CPAC, the Golden Oldie Party focuses on 2020 whinging, Hillary’s emails, and Iraq war-era insults

At CPAC, the Golden Oldie Party focuses on 2020 whinging, Hillary’s emails, and Iraq war-era insults

No one expects innovation or forward-thinking from Republicans, but it’s astonishing just how mired in the past they are these days. It’s no wonder Republicans could never pass their own health care bill after howling about the Affordable Care Act for 80-plus full moons. They have no ideas and no real policy prescriptions. Donald Trump’s tremendous, fantastic, way-better-than-Obamacare health care plan was always just two infrastructure weeks away from coming to fruition, but in the end he offered the American people bupkis.

Now all Trump does is talk about the 2020 election, and I’m really starting to doubt if he’s ever going to release his awesome health care plan. Since Trump’s own exercise regimen is almost entirely predicated on scooping extra crispy chicken skin off the bathroom floor before the five-second rule kicks in, I’m not expecting much. But, you know, he promised

So as you may have noticed, they’re having another normal one at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Dallas, Texas, this weekend, and boy are they spinning the greatest hits. 

Here’s just a sampling, starting with Pillow Man Mike Lindell who, you’ll be shocked to learn, is just (wait, this can’t be right, can it?) two weeks away from a huge reveal:

At CPAC, Mike Lindell says to watch the judiciary at the end of the month, because big things are in the works after his new ‘evidence’ presentation: “I’m telling you, after the 20th and the 21st of August .. you’re gonna see the biggest change this country has ever seen.” pic.twitter.com/ehh4cz1hmA

— Ron Filipkowski 🇺🇦 (@RonFilipkowski) August 6, 2022

LINDELL: “I’m telling you, after the 20th and the 21st of August, the aftermath of that, you’re gonna see the biggest change this country has ever seen, and you’re gonna also see judges. I said this before. Everyone says, ‘Well, Mike, what do you mean the judges?’ You go back a year and a half, not one judge looked at [election fraud] evidence, except for Antrim County, Michigan, but he didn’t want to rule on it. And those judges back then, they have families, they have neighbors, they have grandchildren, they were afraid. I’m telling you, they were afraid. But a year and a half later, after everyone’s seen the destruction of our country, what … slowed that destruction, have been the judges. How about those hundred … ‘If you have 100 people in your company, you have to take a shot and become a junkie.’ The judges stopped that, okay? How about the judge in Florida that made the great ruling about the mask mandates on airplanes. Changed our history. How about Roe v. Wade, huh? How about that?”

It must be nice to just let your mouth run on and on without ever having to check in with your brain, but even though Lindell sounds super-serious here, I’m nevertheless skeptical of this Aug. 20 claim. After all, this is the same guy who insisted McSloven would be reinstated as Dear Leader last August. He’s also claimed numerous times that he was about to blow the lid off the entire anti-Trump election conspiracy. You know what they say: Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on you. Fool me hundreds of times, I must be Mike Lindell and … careful now, that’s a load-bearing railroad spike in my head.

Next up is Sarah Palin, who’s zeroed in on the biggest kitchen-table issue going into the November midterms: Hillary Clinton’s emails.

Sarah Palin is talking about what everyone is worried about Hillary‘s emails pic.twitter.com/PjyjXFK2A8

— Molly Jong-Fast (@MollyJongFast) August 6, 2022

PALIN: “We can’t give up on the other corrupt acts that put our country in the position that we’re in, like the 30,000 emails that were erased, and ‘Oh, that was okay that Crooked Hillary did that.’ Benghazi. Oh, my gosh. All these things were, ‘Oh, yeah, we’re going to investigate.’ Congress should be having these badass huge rallies on the steps of the Capitol, and it should be congressmen, they have a platform. They should be having these press conferences. They should be having fireside chats. They should do whatever they can to get out there with a message to the public to let them know what’s going on. I don’t know why they don’t seize the opportunity.”

Yes, Republican congressmen. Please, please, please have a huge press conference on the Capitol steps to discuss Hillary’s emails. It will give reporters a chance to ask about the 15 boxes of classified material Donald Trump stole from the White House. I swear, if the baby’s blood aqueduct George Soros built for Hillary ever runs dry and she somehow expires, Republicans are going to have to Robocop her back from the dead. Though it’s beyond amazing that she’s still kicking considering Fox News had her on death’s door pretty much every day during her 2016 election campaign.

And then there’s Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, who sounds like an old Catskills comedian telling Bess Truman jokes at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards.

Ted Cruz: “The weakness and appeasement that comes from these cheese eating surrender monkeys is making America and the entire world far less safe (but) … revival is coming!” pic.twitter.com/KG7Kh3CzrN

— Ron Filipkowski 🇺🇦 (@RonFilipkowski) August 6, 2022

CRUZ: “And the weakness and appeasement that comes from these cheese-eating surrender monkeys is making America and the entire world far less safe. Now some of y’all might be thinking, ‘You know, Ted, you said you were going to encourage us. You really suck at this.’ But I told you I had two points. Here’s the second one: Revival is coming.”

Cheese-eating surrender monkeys, huh? You mean like this lot? Jesus, Ted, that’s some lazy writing. Though it does occur to me that I haven’t enjoyed a hearty serving of liberté frites in a while. Or worn my Zubaz. And it’s been ages since I checked the value of my Beanie Babies collection. I assume it’s been outperforming the major S&P 500 indexes this whole time, but who knows? 

And … bonus! Whatever the fuck this is:

Hello I would like to share with you the most astonishing thing I have ever seen At this CPAC booth you receive a silent disco headset that plays harrowing testimony from people arrested for participating in J6 Instead of dancing, you stand around and watch this guy cry pic.twitter.com/cin6F5zDhz

— Laura Jedeed (@LauraJedeed) August 5, 2022

Some of the strangest political theater I’ve ever seen pic.twitter.com/pC5CghJmUU

— Tess Owen (@misstessowen) August 5, 2022

I wish I could bottle the feeling I got when I first saw those tweets and sell it to people with limited access to testicle clamps and psychedelic toads. 

If this is all Republicans have, I feel simultaneously hopeful about the Democrats’ midterm chances and horrified about what could eventually happen to this country.

But hey, if you want to do your part in preventing a future right-wing dystopia, there are steps you can take. Volunteer to send letters to voters, or contribute to Democratic candidates up and down the ballot. And most of all: Remember to vote!

Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE

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