Dear Trump supporters, please make your fake antifa crimes more believable

Dear Trump supporters, please make your fake antifa crimes more believable

In September 2020, a Minneapolis Trump supporter’s home was savagely attacked by antifa. Or possibly by BLM supporters. Or by Biden-supporting anarchists? In any event, somebody painted “Biden 2020 BLM (A)” on Denis Molla’s garage doors and set fire to his camper. That fire spread significantly, damaging other vehicles and his home.

Federal investigators have found the culprit and, surprise, they say it was Molla himself. CBS Minneapolis reports that Molla now faces two counts of wire fraud for setting the fire, then filing insurance claims for $300,000 in damages. He was graciously hosted in a Minneapolis courtroom last Tuesday for the beginning of his federal trial, and it’s very unlikely he’ll be scoring a Trump pardon like Trump’s more (ahem) significant allies did, because Trump no longer has the power to do that.

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There are many lessons we can learn here, and even more lessons than that if we want to be jerks about it, which we absolutely do. Once again it appears that nearly all politically motivated crimes against Trump supporters are self-inflicted, suggesting that Trump voters are, broadly speaking, so prone to criminal behavior that not even they are safe from themselves. The vast majority of incidents of proven election fraud, for example, have turned out to be Trump supporters voting for dead relatives, Trump supporters giving conspiracy theorists unauthorized access to voting machines, Trump supporters faking signatures to get their names on the ballot, Trump supporters financing private detectives willing to run random repairmen off the road on the off chance their work trucks are stuffed with secret ballots, or just straight up ballot-box stuffing.

Similarly, we may yet learn that half or more of the shadowy not-organization known as “antifa” actually consists of Trump supporters viciously attacking themselves in order to put themselves in their place. In any event, Trump supporters seem to think that both antifa and their local Black Lives Matter movements exist primarily to harass them, personally, by forcing them to read things written on their house.

I imagine many of you are rather tired of this at this point. Many of us around these parts are members of “antifa,” at least for all Trump supporters know, but if Trump’s supporters are going to go around pretending to be pro-Biden provocateurs, they should at least do enough damn research to know how secret pro-Biden cells actually target and take down individual nobodies who have gotten on The Big List of Trump Supporters To Annoy.

Trump supporters, do you really think that “what if we paint on this guy’s house” is the grand master plan of the police reform movement and antifascist cells nationwide? Really? Or is that just the easiest thing to fake? And if Biden 2020 supporters were going to burn down your past-its-prime recreational camper, don’t you think they’d do a thorough evaluation of the surrounding terrain so as to prevent the blaze from spreading to other, unrelated vehicles? That’s arson 101, right there. No Biden voter worth their salt would burn your camper down without doing at least a cursory environmental impact report.

Please start faking better crimes. Please. Here are some tips for how Black Lives Matter protesters, anarchists, antifascists, and Donald Trump’s other various enemies actually harass podunk Trump supporters. If you want people to believe you’re a victim of any of these groups, you can start by mimicking the crimes they’re actually responsible for.

Anarchists are a tough crowd known for despising authority and all its symbols, and there is no more flagrant symbol of government authority than government-issued money. Anarchists are therefore well-known for something called “twentybombing.” In the dark of night, anarchist agents enter the homes of Trump supporters looking for $20 bills. If they find any, they will steal them. The anarchists will then go to the nearest public library and shove your $20 bills through the book deposit slot.

It’s a perfect crime. Nobody in these pro-anarchy groups goes around painting circled “A”s on people’s houses, that’s just ridiculous. But every day in America, Trump supporters wake up to find they have $20 less than they thought they had, while local librarians gasp in confusion on seeing their library’s book deposit bins overflowing with loose Andrew Jacksons.

Want to fake a crime against you perpetrated by anarchists? Take all your $20 bills and shove them through the little library slot. Go home, call up the local news, and claim anarchists did it. There ya go, sport, you’re on television.

Antifa and anarchists aren’t the same thing, and Trump supporters need to get this through their skulls if they want to fake crimes by either group. Antifa stands for “antifascist,” or an opposition to fascism, while anarchists are against whatever presents itself but tend to focus most of their rage on $20 bills. Only fascists are targeted by antifa, so if you’re going to claim you’re a victim of antifa you first need to go around saying fascist things. Already done that? Fine, now you can burn down your own camper. But don’t do that either, because that’s not how antifa operates. Antifa is a loose community of idealists with access to much better technology than your average camper owner; they specialize in attacks using ultraviolet radiation.

Let’s explain. If you’re a Trump supporter with a pro-Trump flag hanging off your house, you may notice that the colors on that flag fade rather quickly, right? It starts out looking bright and new, then begins to look tired, then begins to look washed-out. This is because local antifa cells drive around each evening looking for Trump flags; when they find one, they briefly shine a very powerful ultraviolet light at it, causing it to fade just a little bit.

While the effect of a single antifa drive-by is barely perceptible, a Trump flag left out night after night will begin to show irreversible effects. Flags targeted by elite super-antifa cells will, however, fade out completely. If you want to claim your home was attacked not just by antifa but by super-antifa, dear Trump supporters, hang a white flag outside your house. Then go to your local police station and file your report: Antifa turned my Trump flag white. You’ll have a much more believable story to tell than the “somebody drew on my house” version, and if you tell the insurance company that it was a special Trump flag signed by the big man himself, you might be able to defraud them for an extra five bucks.

There are also myriad groups that are part antifa and part anarchist—too many to go through individually. There’s anarfa, and antichist, and anar-anti, and a bunch of others. Generally these groups focus on the forceable distribution of hard candies and tend to skew older. If your parents or grandparents tend to always have butterscotch candies on hand, for example, you should be wary. Sharing hard candies is socialism. Sharing bad hard candies is anarchy.

That leaves Black Lives Matter, but that one’s easy so we can dispense with it quickly. There’s only one crime that Black Lives Matter supporters tend to target Trump supporters with, and that’s “being seen.” Black Lives Matter supporters are known for walking on sidewalks and for going shopping. Sometimes they drive, but other times they operate toll booths. If you see a person in public who is not you and is not part of your immediate family, they are likely a Black Lives Matter supporter and you should, I don’t know, wet your pants or something.

This won’t technically count as a crime, but you might be able to bilk your insurance company anyway. Like, maybe whatever you’re sitting on will suffer water damage. Oh—or you can always go to the police and file a complaint that Black Lives Matter peed on your favorite chair or whatever. Here’s a tip: When filing the report, discretely pass the officer a $20 bill. If the officer quietly accepts the bill he’s likely to file out a report that makes your chair damage seem more severe, but if the officer gets unaccountably furious about you handing them $20 you know that they’re not actually a police officer, they’re an anarchist posing as one. If that happens, you’re in trouble. It means that anarchists have captured the local police department. They’ll say they’re seizing your $20 bill for “evidence,” but we both know the truth. That bill is going to be dumped into a library’s book return slot within a day.

So go nuts, Trump supporters, but at least make your fake crimes believable. Put a white flag outside your house and claim antifa bleached it using superweapons. Hand over all your cash to local librarians while wearing a fake mustache so nobody can tell it was you.

Nobody’s going to believe anarchist Biden-supporting Black Lives Matter supporters took their rage out on your two-car garage. Everybody will believe that Trump’s enemies are going around making the colors on your Trump flags fade or giving money to public libraries, because those are crimes every other Trump supporter has also seen happen. Just remember to look sad when you’re describing it to the police officers and the local reporters and you’ll be fine. Just … enough with the spray paint and poorly planned arson already.

Jason Bresler, who was political director of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee during the 2018 wave that saw the party retake the House joins the The Downballot podcast

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