A new pro-Trump dating app that’s scheduled to launch this month is not exactly grabbing women by the … um … heartstrings. Nor have the folks behind the app assembled even one binder full of women. It’s almost as if no one’s attracted to men who both idolize serial sexual assaulters and want to force women to give birth to their rapists’ babies. Who could have predicted any of this?
To be clear, Donald Trump isn’t directly affiliated with the app, which is cleverly (and trademark-infringingly) titled The Right Stuff. It would be nearly impossible to launch a Trump-sponsored dating app since he’d almost certainly declare prima nocta whenever a woman matched with a suitor on the site, but it does have the backing of MAGA billionaire Peter Thiel, former Trump body man Johnny McEntee, and ex-Mouth of Sauron Kayleigh McEnany. Kayleigh has also enlisted her sister, Ryann McEnany, who’s been tasked with convincing presumably nonlobotomized women to be e-groped 24/7 by scores of troglodytic oglers.
[Ryann McEnany’s] basic pitch, according to Instagram messages reviewed by The Daily Beast, is a mix of flattery and exclusivity: “Hi, I’m working with John McEntee’s team on an exclusive conservative dating app called The Right Stuff that’s expected to launch this summer! We would love to get you on our list for early access to the app.”
Yeah, good luck with that, Ryann. I think most women will be concerned that downloading the app will instantly give their phones gonorrhea, so this could be a tough sell. In fact, The Daily Beast talked to two inside-the-Beltway Republican staffers who said many young conservative women “have ignored McEnany’s outreach and have instead jeeringly passed around screenshots of [Ryann’s] messages to group chats.”
Other Republican staffers in D.C.—the sort who boast about downing drinks at the Navy Yard watering hole Mission and claim their pronouns are “Yee” and “Haw” on their Instagram profiles—told The Daily Beast the app has an array of possible problems, like liberals masquerading as right-wingers and the awkward potential of matching them with conservative staffers they already know.
“It’s all of Mitch McConnell’s staffers,” a female Republican operative said, speaking on the condition of anonymity because she still works in pro-Trump politics.
Gee, you’d think if you spent eight hours a day basking in the refulgent, ovary-denuding stink rays of the undead meatloaf that is Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, you’d give up on dating. And life, for that matter. But the heart wants what it wants—and in this case, it apparently wants the person in the next cubicle who perpetually smells like airplane glue and Arby’s.
Of course, a lack of women enrollees isn’t the app’s only problem. It also appears to have infringed on the trademark of another dating app called The Right Stuff—though this one has existed for two decades and has nothing to do with MAGA.
The founder of the original Right Stuff app, Dawne Touchings, told The Daily Beast that her lawyer will be contacting these name poachers, tout de suite. “There are a lot of other really good right-wing names that they could choose,” she said. “They are very smart, I am sure they could come up with something!”
Ha, ha, ha, ha! “They are very smart.” Good one, Dawne.
Meanwhile, the app will be available only to heterosexual users—at least when it launches. Which means one of its biggest backers, Thiel, will be barred from using it. Because, you know, he’s gay. Nothing like investing heavily in a venture that regards you from the outset as a second-class citizen.
Then again, I’m a cishet male, and if this Right Stuff ad is any indication, they regard me as a third-class citizen. Or, at the very least, not a “normal guy.”
“Download The Right Stuff today and start going out with normal guys.”
“Normal” guys. You know, like them:
Good luck, ladies. On the bright side, you should have no problem finding a “real man” on the site, if that’s what you’re into.
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
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