Matt Gaetz and Ted Cruz get in a Twitter fight with Ron Perlman for some reason

Matt Gaetz and Ted Cruz get in a Twitter fight with Ron Perlman for some reason

Everything is bad and we can’t have nice things so, instead, please enjoy this long, drawn-out Twitter war between two of the least liked Republican lawmakers in America and … um, famous actor Ron Perlman, for some reason. The pushing-off point was Florida man Rep. Matt Gaetz grunting that well, if there’s going to be be kneeling during the national anthem, maybe we just shouldn’t have soccer at all, you soccer meanies.

It all went downstream from there because Rep. Matt Gaetz and Sen.(!) Ted Cruz both think they are crackerjack twitterers who can easily Own Any Libs they come across. And it’s not like they have day jobs, right?

I�d rather the US not have a soccer team than have a soccer team that won�t stand for the National Anthem. You shouldn�t get to play under our flag as our national team if you won�t stand when it is raised.

— Matt Gaetz (@mattgaetz) June 11, 2020

Which resulted in this response. After this point the tweets mostly speak for themselves, so I’m just going to insert running commentary about other things here like my personal irritation at the lowercase “g,” or whatever.

The US Soccer team called and you guessed it… said they couldnâÂ�Â�t give any less of a fuck about what you two dipshits think. @realDonaldTrump @mattgaetz

— Ron Perlman (@perlmutations) June 13, 2020

A fairly typical response on the daily twitters. But I suppose coming from someone with 900,000 followers it was a wound too deep for, sigh, the Matt Gaetzes of the world.

This racial justice warrior had no problem in Hollywood portraying the White Supremacist leader of a motorcycle gang. #SOA

— Matt Gaetz (@mattgaetz) June 14, 2020

Woah, take that, professional actor who takes on roles and portrays often-unsavory people. (The “you played a white supremacist!” attack was an odd one from Gaetz, who—as onlookers pointed out—invited an actual, not-fictional white supremacist to be his State of the Union speech guest.

Anyhow, my problem with the lowercase “g” is that it doesn’t look like an uppercase “G.” It looks different depending on the font, but in all cases it has that little dangly bit dangling down there—the monkey-tail part—and the uppercase G doesn’t. The uppercase G is just a C sitting down at a library table, attempting to maybe get some work done.

Honestly? The fact that Hollywood thinks IâÂ�Â�m an asshole is a badge of honor 🙂 You wouldnâÂ�Â�t be tweeting about me if my message werenâÂ�Â�t true & effective. Threatens your wokeness. How triggered will you be when @realDonaldTrump is re-elected? More or less than when crooked lost?

— Matt Gaetz (@mattgaetz) June 14, 2020

Ah, the if people think I am an asshole that means I am winning argument. Ha ha, I am “threatening” to you! Otherwise you would be ignoring me, the asshole!

So what’s the point of having lowercase letters that look nothing like uppercase letters? Why would you even do that to people? In cases like P it is perfectly reasonable to have p: We get it, the P’s little leg fell into a hole and got stuck there. It needs assistance. But G and g? Those are clearly two different letters. Get out of here with that nonsense.

Anyhow, the next Ron Perlman insult would get actual sitting-U.S.-Senator-Because-Texas Ted Cruz into the mix, for some reason.

Listen Hellboy. You talk good game when you�ve got Hollywood makeup & stuntmen. But I�ll bet $10k�to the nonpolitical charity of your choice�that you couldn�t last 5 min in the wrestling ring w/ @Jim_Jordan w/o getting pinned. You up for it? Or does your publicist say too risky?

— Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) June 15, 2020

It’s a little weird that Ted Cruz wouldn’t defend his wife when Donald Trump insulted her looks during a campaign, but is here willing to jump into the fray uninvited because calling Matt Gaetz ugly is a bridge too far. We get it. It’s because every Republican loves Donald Trump and wants to have little Fascist Hitler Babies with him, so literally anything Donald does can be forgiven even as the same behavior from anyone else results in a right stern talking-to.

But volunteering someone else to go fight about it?

Volunteering that if you don’t behave, they’re going to send Jim Jordan out to “wrestle” you?

Oh, that is … not good.

Seriously, again we see this odd Republiconservative tendency to choose the weirdest guys as their templars of supposed manliness. There’s supposed alpha male Donald Trump, whose idea of “toughness” is teetering around in precarious lifts and having absolute meltdowns about even the slightest little thing, and we’ve got Jim Jordan, who became a Republican man-knight for the alpha male act of … covering up the sexual molestation of teen boys.

I tell you what teddy boy, since mentioning jim jordan and wrestling is… problematic, why donâÂ�Â�t we say fuck him and just make it you & me. IâÂ�Â�ll give 50k to Black Lives Matter and you can keep all the tax payer money you were thinking of spending.

— Ron Perlman (@perlmutations) June 15, 2020

Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. I don’t care who it is, if it results in Ted Cruz getting the stuffing knocked out of him in a legally sanctioned setting, I’m all for it.

Wait, is this THEE Ted Cruz? Holy shit man! Is this the same guy let little Donnie call his wife A dog and his father an assassin and now kisses his ass? Yo, can I get your autograph man?

— Ron Perlman (@perlmutations) June 15, 2020

Anyway, my problem with G and g specifically is that we already have a perfectly good glyph for a lowercase G. We call it a schwa. Here, look at it. ə. (If you can’t see that, it’s because there’s a worldwide anti-schwa conspiracy to hide it, but much progress has been made in recent years.)

That’s pretty good, right? It looks exactly like an uppercase G, but smaller and backwards. We can say it’s just temporarily backwards because it’s disoriented from being inserted into our alphabet without warning. “It’s shy—just make sure it has food and water and give it its own space until it gets used to things,” we’ll tell people. Then in a decade or two, we can reverse it. Yes, I know there’s already a Unicode character that would—you know what, never mind. I’m just throwing these ideas out there. If you don’t like them, it’s because you find my thinking “threatening” to your Hollywood worldview, you jerks.

Let�s get back to bidness ted. jim jordan�s too easy, just a little bitch. But you teddy, you talk shit about New York every chance you get. My hometown. It�s personal. Let�s go mofo!

— Ron Perlman (@perlmutations) June 15, 2020

All right, I’m sorry I called you jerks. I apologize. Things got heated, and I was very upset from having to spell “schwa” so many times in a row. Where were we? Oh, right. Ron Perlman taunting Republican lawmakers while they preen and threaten to let loose screeching man-parrot Jim Jordan. No, Republican lawmakers don’t really have anything better to do right now. During a pandemic. And economic collapse. And nationwide movement against police brutality.

Also, we don’t need both the letter C and the letter K. You know it, I know it, linguists know it, we all know it. One or the other has to go. We also don’t need both a Matt Gaetz and a Ted Cruz, and yet here they both are anyway. Still. Again.


Monday, Jun 15, 2020 · 6:43:50 PM +00:00


Hey Texas, just want to let you know, if you make me your US senator… I handle my own fights.

— MJ Hegar (@mjhegar) June 15, 2020

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