‘They can row home’: Russian oligarch’s yacht is stranded because Norwegians refuse to refuel it

‘They can row home’: Russian oligarch’s yacht is stranded because Norwegians refuse to refuel it

Vladimir Putin’s fatal error was assuming everyone in the United States was as weak, venal, oafish, and self-aggrandizing as Donald Trump, when in reality no more than half of us are. Of course, if you’d spent more time around Trump and Steven Seagal than with almost any other American, you’d probably think you could buy off the country for a G.I. Joe Cobra kimono and a jumbo tub of Cool Ranch-flavored Crisco.

Sure, Vlad’s campaign to get Trump reelected failed—so Trump wasn’t able to simply hand him Eastern Europe by pulling out of NATO like he’d planned—but Putin probably thought the U.S. was too divided to put up much resistance to his schemes, and then bang-bang, Biden’s silver hammer came down upon his head.

And while the globe—and especially Ukraine—has now been served a plate of thin gruel with a side of julienned mule dicks, we do occasionally get to enjoy a soothing sip from a sassy schadenfreude digestif. The latest dollop of good news amidst this world of hurt?

This item from The New York Times:

A Russian-owned superyacht is stranded in northern Norway because local oil suppliers refuse to refuel the ship amid Russia’s war in Ukraine and the sanctions that many countries have imposed on Moscow as a result.

The yacht, “Ragnar,” is owned by the Russian oligarch Vladimir Strzhalkovsky, a former K.G.B. agent who made his fortune in nickel mining and is a longtime associate of President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia. Mr. Strzhalkovsky has also served as deputy minister.

Now, Strzhalkovsky isn’t actually on the European Union’s list of sanctioned Russians, but that hardly matters to the folks who would ordinarily be expected to fuel the yacht up. In no uncertain terms, they’ve told the yacht’s crew to take a flying fuck at a rolling ponchik. (Norway isn’t a member of the European Union, but it is part of the European Economic Area.) 

Sven Holmlund, a local oil supplier, offered little sympathy for those aboard the vessel. “Why should we help them?” he told NRK. “They can row home. Or use a sail.”

Well, they could use a sail, assuming it hasn’t been stolen and replaced with a note that says, “IOU 1 sail. Love, Sergei Shoigu.”

But, hey, a Norwegian summer awaits these stranded sailors. They can enjoy the long, leisurely days. Where would they rather be, anyway? Steven Seagal’s Winter Palace?

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE

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